Another blogger had a funny blogpost today about Holiday Newsletters...and well, it just called out to me to REPEAT my last year's Dec. 10th post called: "Don't Go There".....So for those of you that haven't been reading my blog very long, and for those of you that have read my blog for a long time (who will forgive me for repeating the post), this is for you all. Enjoy!!
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I am compelled to write this, because during this blessed time of year, the barrage of Christmas cards start arriving. I have held my tongue through the many years, but (like a bulimic) I simply have to purge advice at this time or I will burst.
I love my friends and relatives dearly. But, inevitably...I get Christmas cards that I cannot believe came from these very people that I cherish.
So, I have to share my list of the For-The-Love-of-God-don't-send-these-type-of-cards-out-anymore-to-me-or-anyone-else-for-that-matter with anyone reading this.
And, if you happen to be someone who sends out ANY of the cards below, please reconsider.
Seriously.
I am NOT kidding.
Trust me, your friends and relatives will be forever grateful.
Here is the list of the inappropriate cards to send:
1. I beg of you. Please do not dress Fluffy or Spot in some ridiculous pet outfit with satin, Santa Hats, Halloween costumes or reindeer horns and put them as the pictures on your Christmas cards. It is not only pathetic, but it may trigger several calls to the Humane Society. Perhaps you need to get pregnant or visit your kids/grandkids more? Please, do not force your poor pet into this humiliating act. It is the number one reason they needed to invent pet therapy.
2. When you are drawn towards those cards with ten pounds of glitter....don't go near the light!
You know the type I mean....the snow scenes with pine trees covered in snow, a little log cabin with smoke coming out of the chimney...or Santa flying across the sky with a trail of glitter behind him. Those. Because after the U.S. Post office bends it, staples it, crams it, shakes it and pulverizes it during mail processing, some poor bloke will open up your card and 5 pounds of loosened glitter will fall on their table, their carpeting on on that black velvet blazer they are running out the door to get to the office Christmas party with (now peppered with glitter).
3. Dirty Christmas Cards. Don't go there either. The ones with Santa sitting with some prostitute on his lap (him, with a sick expression on his face) that you open and it says: "Hope you have some Ho-Ho-Ho at Christmas, too". It may temporarily make someone chuckle....but you have to admit..... it is pretty far from the purpose of Christmas.
4. The Bragging Letter inside of all Christmas cards. C'Mon people. These are the most common and the WORST to send. The next time you are tempted to get some cutesy Christmas stationary for your computer and copy three thousand letters (that are identical) to stuff into your cards...well...just don't.
Your letter inevitably drones on about Suzy's straight A's that she got while studying abroad (while working for the Peace Corps at the same time alongside Mother Teresa)..and that you are so blessed to have just moved into your 25-room new mansion with your 4 car garage which you built to contain your husband's new corvette (which you surprised him with for Christmas).
What is your goal anyway? To make everyone who receives it feel like a schlump for not being as successful? Well, Merry Christmas.....it worked!
5. The Gloom-and-Doom Letter inside all Christmas Cards. C'Mon people (again!).
These are the second most common and also the worst to send. The next time you are tempted to get some cutesy Christmas stationary for your computer and copy three thousand letters (also identical) to stuff into your cards, too....well.................definitely don't.
Honestly...I have gotten some that I thought were jokes at first because they just couldn't possibly be for real.
Ones that read: "We send you holiday greetings to your family with love. We are trying our best to be happy because Uncle Ike got cancer and has three weeks to live and we lost our house in the flood right after my miscarriage. We hope that our son will get out of prison this time next year so that his child that we are raising for him will not miss his drug-addicted mother as much. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Well, doesn't that little pick-me-up make your Christmas a little more jolly?
6. The Worst Offender: The Have-You-Been-Saved-Yet cards
Let me apologize ahead of time if I am offending any of you with this one. However, if you get offended, you are probably exactly the person who needs to stop doing it. The rest of you reading this know exactly the ones I mean.
It starts out right away with "Jesus blesses you and your household. Have you claimed Him as your personal saviour yet?" Jesus has truely blessed us this year. George has joined the ministry and is in Africa ministering HIS word to those that need saving. Per Chapter 13, verse 7, Jesus said...etc.etc. etc.
I am sorry. But if anyone you send those to needs saving, this is the worst possible way to "save" or reach them.
When they get your card, they will immediately glaze over,think you are pathetic and throw the rest of the letter in the garbage without reading it any further.
It is the worst thing to do to try and "save" anyone (short of going door to door to evangelize with little newspapers about the Lord.) (Don't get me started on THAT, either).
Don't get me wrong...I am not the devil, I am not possessed. I believe in a Higher Power.
I just don't believe that you should aggessively pursue the personal mission to push religion on me, or anyone else.
That is invading everyone's personal space and privacy.
So, save your stamps, or better yet, send them to your other church members exclusively. It will make them feel superior to be the "only ones" that will make it to heaven.
It will make the rest of us have a much happier (and blessed) Christmas.
7. Cards with pictures of your kids going to the prom or wearing Cheerleader outfits.
Don't send 'em....because in reality, the guy that took your daughter to the prom that is in that photo may later be found to be a sex offender...and your daughter will HATE that photo of herself in ten years and never forgive you for sending out Christmas cards with it. Years from now, relatives will have that God-awful photo of her in a photo album and turn to each other and ask: "Who is this picture of, anyway?"
School pictures are okay to send to close relatives (but please put the child's name, age and date on the back.) I can't count the times I have gotten photos stuck inside a card and when we get them, I say: "Honey, who is this? I can't remember them having a son....I thought they only had two daughters."
"By the way, is this from one of your cousins? Or is it mine?"
I know what you're thinking....."What a Bah-humbug person!" "She's lucky someone cares enough to send a card".....
And you are right. Because some of the cards I get (like the ones listed above) have made for some of the best laughs in our house. Ever.
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