Time again for more dumb state laws! (along with MY COMMENTS in bold italics)
This time?
The great state of ILLINOIS!!
1. You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
Cash, people! NO credit cards in Illinois...better at least have a dollar on you, or your butt is going over the border! In Walmart in Illinois, maybe the greeter checks your pockets to see if you have a dollar on you?
2. You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
No WONDER all those tollways near Chicago get backed up when I am on them. They just don't want you to drive into the city until they pick up the phone and ask the police first.
3. The English language is not to be spoken.
In all of Illinois? Wow. Who knew? I either have to learn sign language before I go there or I gotta learn a different language. No WONDER I couldn't understand that hysterical guy that yelled something out his car window at me when I was there!
4. In Champaigne:
One may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth.
But if you live in Chicago? Oh yeah, go right ahead. Just don't warn your neighbor in ENGLISH first!
5. In Chicago:
Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
Not even if you are in a "fast food" place? Not even if you eat realllllly fast? Not even if it is serving barbecue food? What about if you order bananas flambe? What if you just wanted to roast marshmallows?
6. In Chicago:
It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
Dang. I will just give him a Bud light then. How else do I get to giggle when I watch him stagger?
7. In Chicago:
It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe’s neck.
If you remember, this is also illegal in another state in a previous blogpost. Who knew this was going on in several states and they all needed laws to prevent it!?
8. In Chicago:
It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.
Finally...something that IS legal! But Chicago is COLD...so I hope they do this in the summer. Oh, and by the way, should one of us call Chicago and remind them that some 15 and 16 year olds are pretty "hot", so they may want to consider lowering the age here for this one? And what kind of permit does a kid under seventeen apply for to protest naked in Chicago? (oh, probably a BAA) (You know, a Bare Arse Application). What are these kids going to protest anyway? Wearing clothes?
9. In Cicero:
Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.
Not even if you are humming a hymn? Amazing Grace? Geeesh. Maybe they can sing on Sundays on public streets (as long as it isn't in ENGLISH!)
10. In Crete:
It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one’s dog.
Well, good for Crete. The only city in Illinois where you can't have sex with one's dog. Wait a minute...does this mean in Crete, you can have sex with someone ELSE's dog? Or a cat? And for goodness sake, don't be protesting naked or be humming while you are doing it...
11. In Crete:
Cars may not be driven through the town.
They must have a biggggg parking lot just outside of Crete, then.
12. In Evanston:
Bowling is forbidden.
Bummer. Fred Flintstone would have been disappointed, not being able to go up on his twinkle toes in Evanston. And forget about not being able to wear those cool bowling shirts in Evanston. Snobs!
13. In Evanston:
It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
I don't know about you, but I don't HAVE curtains in my auto. Do you? And why would you change clothes in your car if there was a fire? I know you can't eat in a restaurant that is on fire, they made that clear, but evidently now I CAN change my clothes in my car after that.
14. In Galesburg:
No person may keep a smelly dog.
Well, it may keep all that sex with dogs down, though.
15. In Galesburg:
It is illegal to burn bird feathers.
Especially if they are still on the bird. Woooo-haaaaa! Do they know the stop, drop and roll rule? Maybe THAT is how they named the flamingo... (FLAME-ING-O).
16. In Galesburg:
Jostling others is illegal.
No renaissance fairs there, then. Dang. I really like those big turkey legs and men in tights.
17. In Galesburg:
No bicyclist may practice “fancy riding” on any city street.
Dang gummit. None of that "fancy riding" ya hear? Just drive your bikes straight and for the love of God, don't enjoy it. NO SMILING!
18. In Galesburg:
There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.
You can, however, use a tennis racket....they bounce off the net so much better that way.
19. In Horner:
It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.
I am going straigt to Horner to rob a bank...the police there have slingshots--do you KNOW how long it takes them to reload the rocks into the slingshots? Little town Horner, had a bank on the corner......
20. In Joliet:
Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town’s name mispronounced ‘Jolly-ETTE’ when all local folk know it’s pronounced ‘Joe-lee-ETTE’, made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.
Now THAT's an idea!!! We should ALL do this....if anyone mispronounces your town's name....just hit them with a fine. Man, some of us would be RICH. You must have etiquette in Joliet!
21. In Kenilworth:
A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow.
How do they inform the roosters? I noticed this was a law in another state before Illinois' laws...they must all have a lot of loud, obnoxious roosters around!
22. In Kirkland:
Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland’s streets.
Not only must they have to inform the roosters, but now Kirkland has to inform the bees of this rule. YOU go tell them...NO, YOU go tell them...Not ME, YOU go tell them.
Wonder if they are allowed to march through town in a single line instead of fly over then?
23. In Moline:
Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.
Pretty safe law there..because Moline must be pretty warm then and its too darn hard to make ice rinks out of the ponds there, then.
24. In Normal:
It is against the law to make faces at dogs.
But sex is okay as long as you don't own that dog. (see the laws above). And what happens if someone DOES make a face at a dog? It's not like the dog can walk into the police station and file a report against you, right? And cats? They are fair game..go ahead...stick your tongue out. Just remember, they have CLAWS!
25. In Zion:
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.
I am glad you can't give the animals lighted cigars, because then they won't get lung cancer. And don't give them SNUFF either. I hate it when they drool all that junk out of their mouths at their water dishes! Yuck!!!!
Cash, people! NO credit cards in Illinois...better at least have a dollar on you, or your butt is going over the border! In Walmart in Illinois, maybe the greeter checks your pockets to see if you have a dollar on you?
2. You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.
No WONDER all those tollways near Chicago get backed up when I am on them. They just don't want you to drive into the city until they pick up the phone and ask the police first.
3. The English language is not to be spoken.
In all of Illinois? Wow. Who knew? I either have to learn sign language before I go there or I gotta learn a different language. No WONDER I couldn't understand that hysterical guy that yelled something out his car window at me when I was there!
4. In Champaigne:
One may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth.
But if you live in Chicago? Oh yeah, go right ahead. Just don't warn your neighbor in ENGLISH first!
5. In Chicago:
Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
Not even if you are in a "fast food" place? Not even if you eat realllllly fast? Not even if it is serving barbecue food? What about if you order bananas flambe? What if you just wanted to roast marshmallows?
6. In Chicago:
It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
Dang. I will just give him a Bud light then. How else do I get to giggle when I watch him stagger?
7. In Chicago:
It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe’s neck.
If you remember, this is also illegal in another state in a previous blogpost. Who knew this was going on in several states and they all needed laws to prevent it!?
8. In Chicago:
It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.
Finally...something that IS legal! But Chicago is COLD...so I hope they do this in the summer. Oh, and by the way, should one of us call Chicago and remind them that some 15 and 16 year olds are pretty "hot", so they may want to consider lowering the age here for this one? And what kind of permit does a kid under seventeen apply for to protest naked in Chicago? (oh, probably a BAA) (You know, a Bare Arse Application). What are these kids going to protest anyway? Wearing clothes?
9. In Cicero:
Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.
Not even if you are humming a hymn? Amazing Grace? Geeesh. Maybe they can sing on Sundays on public streets (as long as it isn't in ENGLISH!)
10. In Crete:
It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one’s dog.
Well, good for Crete. The only city in Illinois where you can't have sex with one's dog. Wait a minute...does this mean in Crete, you can have sex with someone ELSE's dog? Or a cat? And for goodness sake, don't be protesting naked or be humming while you are doing it...
11. In Crete:
Cars may not be driven through the town.
They must have a biggggg parking lot just outside of Crete, then.
12. In Evanston:
Bowling is forbidden.
Bummer. Fred Flintstone would have been disappointed, not being able to go up on his twinkle toes in Evanston. And forget about not being able to wear those cool bowling shirts in Evanston. Snobs!
13. In Evanston:
It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
I don't know about you, but I don't HAVE curtains in my auto. Do you? And why would you change clothes in your car if there was a fire? I know you can't eat in a restaurant that is on fire, they made that clear, but evidently now I CAN change my clothes in my car after that.
14. In Galesburg:
No person may keep a smelly dog.
Well, it may keep all that sex with dogs down, though.
15. In Galesburg:
It is illegal to burn bird feathers.
Especially if they are still on the bird. Woooo-haaaaa! Do they know the stop, drop and roll rule? Maybe THAT is how they named the flamingo... (FLAME-ING-O).
16. In Galesburg:
Jostling others is illegal.
No renaissance fairs there, then. Dang. I really like those big turkey legs and men in tights.
17. In Galesburg:
No bicyclist may practice “fancy riding” on any city street.
Dang gummit. None of that "fancy riding" ya hear? Just drive your bikes straight and for the love of God, don't enjoy it. NO SMILING!
18. In Galesburg:
There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.
You can, however, use a tennis racket....they bounce off the net so much better that way.
19. In Horner:
It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.
I am going straigt to Horner to rob a bank...the police there have slingshots--do you KNOW how long it takes them to reload the rocks into the slingshots? Little town Horner, had a bank on the corner......
20. In Joliet:
Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town’s name mispronounced ‘Jolly-ETTE’ when all local folk know it’s pronounced ‘Joe-lee-ETTE’, made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.
Now THAT's an idea!!! We should ALL do this....if anyone mispronounces your town's name....just hit them with a fine. Man, some of us would be RICH. You must have etiquette in Joliet!
21. In Kenilworth:
A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow.
How do they inform the roosters? I noticed this was a law in another state before Illinois' laws...they must all have a lot of loud, obnoxious roosters around!
22. In Kirkland:
Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland’s streets.
Not only must they have to inform the roosters, but now Kirkland has to inform the bees of this rule. YOU go tell them...NO, YOU go tell them...Not ME, YOU go tell them.
Wonder if they are allowed to march through town in a single line instead of fly over then?
23. In Moline:
Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.
Pretty safe law there..because Moline must be pretty warm then and its too darn hard to make ice rinks out of the ponds there, then.
24. In Normal:
It is against the law to make faces at dogs.
But sex is okay as long as you don't own that dog. (see the laws above). And what happens if someone DOES make a face at a dog? It's not like the dog can walk into the police station and file a report against you, right? And cats? They are fair game..go ahead...stick your tongue out. Just remember, they have CLAWS!
25. In Zion:
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.
I am glad you can't give the animals lighted cigars, because then they won't get lung cancer. And don't give them SNUFF either. I hate it when they drool all that junk out of their mouths at their water dishes! Yuck!!!!
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