More Dumb State Laws: Florida

Yes, it is that time again!

Time for some more DUMB STATE LAWS, along with MY COMMENTS in bold italics.

Since I am going in alphabetical order, the next state up: FLORIDA!!!:








Are you ready????? Ok.
Here goes......

1. Pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages. So, in Florida, when you are driving..be careful. You may just hit a wandering pregnant pig. You may not be able to tell if she is pregnant, or just fat...so don't ask. It is rude.

2. Unmarried couples may not commit “lewd acts” and live together in the same residence.
Ummm....I hate to tell the police of the great state of Florida, but I think...I mean...just MAYBE (I could be wrong), but just maybe this may be happening right in their districts.

3. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. I would be so busted if I got my hair done in Florida. I would fall asleep for sure. But really, when is the last time you sat under a hairdryer at a salon? Don't most of them use blow dryers now? And they are going to fine the salon owner if you fall asleep under one of their hair dryers??? So what are they going to do? Poke you with a long stick if they see your eyelids flutter? What harm would this be?

4. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. Lets see about the details of this one, shall we?
Can MARRIED women parachute? Even on Sundays? Or is it just the unmarried ones that can't?
Or is the day of the week that is against the law? Maybe there is a limit against that much praying on a Sunday? Because believe me, if I was parachuting on a Sunday (married or unmarried) (on Sunday or any other day) there would be PLENTY of praying going on!

5. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. Oh yeah. That's fair. I mean, there is a LOT of elephant poop that would have to be taken care of. And it is hard to find a parking spot for your elephant after all. I wonder if you rode a giraffe and tied it to the parking meter, if this law is also the same? Or what about a zebra? Is the law that black and white?

6. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. So no karaoke bars on the beach in Florida? No beach blanket bingo movies? Maybe its okay if you ditch the swimsuit and sing nude?

7. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Dang. So much for the crossdresser's prom that was going to take place in Miami. And they already shaved off their chest hairs and everything! And, is it legal for them to sing in a public place in their bikinis?

8. Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. Ummmm..not to mention: PAINFUL!!?? Oh, NOW I know... THAT is where the name Pokemon came from!
By the way, doesn't this lead to the question---why did they need to make this law in the first place? This law is pointless.

9. You may not fart in a public place after 6 P. I guess I won't be visiting public places in Florida before 6pm, because it is legal to do then. At least I won't be going out with out a clothespin for my nose and a bottle of Glade. Again...doesn't it make you wonder why they needed to make this a law in Florida?
Honest honey, it is the swamp gas you smell...it wasn't ME!

10. It is considered an offense to shower naked. Wow. This is going to cause some problems. Well, at least you can wash your clothes and yourself at the same time and be efficient. (They must mean on the beaches where those little outdoor showers are...but it doesn't specifically say that, does it?) And since the other law (above) said it is illegal to sing out loud while wearing a swimsuit and you normally sing in the shower, this poses a dilemma, now doesn't it!?

11. Oral sex is illegal. Oh, there is going to be some really full jails in Florida, that's all I am going to say about that.....

12. You may not kiss your wife’s breasts. I guess you better aim those lips at some other woman then. Or, tell those oral sex offenders to move over in that jail cell.

In Cape Coral:
13. It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline. So much for that fresh air smell on your sheets and towels. Nope. Not in Cape Coral. No flapping underwear in the breeze for them.
Oh wait. I forgot about the farting thing going on before 6pm. Now I get it. It would be too stinky to hang your clothes out on the line because of that hazard. Now I get it...

14. It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. They don't want no rednecks in them there parts.

In Daytona Beach:
15. Owning a flower pot with water in it that isn’t capable of draining is considered a public nuisance. I want the job of the flower-pot-checking-for-drainholes police. Please??? I'd come out of retirement for that job.

In Destin:
16.If you like to love to ride your bicycle in Destin, don’t lean it up against a tree in a cemetery.
Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy, all for the death of you.....


17. If you notice an ice-cream man attempting to sell his cold concoctions in a cemetery, call the police immediately, for that is illegal. And if you order any flavors, don't ask for "Death by chocolate". That would just be inappropriate.

In Key West:
18. Chickens are considered a ‘protected species’. Guess I am not going to look for any KFC's in Florida during our next trip then.

In Miami Beach:
19. No one may bring a pig with them to the beach. How about if they are just a little bit ugly instead? And they promise that they are on a diet?

In Palm Bay:
20. Persons may not tow a sled behind their bicycles. As far as I know, there is no snow in Florida. So that begs the question...why on earth did they EVER need this law?
If people were using sleds, maybe that is why the highways in Florida are in such rough shape?!

In Pensacola:
21. Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person. Never mind...instead of the checking-the-flower-pots-for-drainage police job, I want THIS one. I want to stop everybody on the street and see if they have at least ten dollars on them. And if they don't ....I get to arrest them!

22. A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils. Wait a minute. Read that again. Go ahead. I'll wait right here.
Done?
Alrighty then. Lets go fine a dead electrocuted woman, now...shall we? But don't bicycle down to the cemetary to do it, and while you are there, for God's sake, don't order an ice cream cone from that vendor there.

In Satellite Beach:
23. Persons may not appear in public clothed in liquid latex. Especially not in green. It positively clashes with your blue eyes. I hear there is a sale at Walmart for liquid latex clothes. Oh, and don't light up any matches near them. I hear they are flammable.


In Tampa:
24. Women may not expose their breasts while performing “topless dancing”.
Wait a minute. Read that one again.
Go ahead.
I'll wait (again!).
I want to meet the person who wrote this law.
Seriously.
I want to see who they PAID to write this law.
And then?
I want to see how the topless dancers dance topless legally.

15. Lap dances must be given at least six feet away from a patron.
Yep. I am SURE the person who wrote the topless dancing law also wrote this one.
Here, honey....I am going to give you a lap dance. Let me climb on this 6 foot stool and you sit under it, okay? Sexy, isn't it??
****************************************************************************************
I know, that as a law-abiding citizen, you want to run out and sell everything you own and move to Florida after hearing all of these essential laws.
Me too.
But for now?
I think I will just visit there a few times a year and then head home.
But it is a good thing I read them before I leave on vacation. Now that I know, I will not be doing any topless dancing, parachuting on Sunday, giving any lap dances, having sex with porcupines, parking my elephant without filling the parking meter, or falling asleep under the hair dryer while there. The rest of the laws? I'm not so sure.....
I better bring all my credit cards (in addition to the $10.00 in my pockets) to pay the fines...

More Dumb State Laws!

Yes, it is time again for More Dumb State Laws!!!! (and MY COMMENTS in bold italics ).

Next up?

The great state of Colorado!!

1. One may not mutilate a rock in a state park. Well, how do you mutilate a rock? I can write on it, or roll it, but how on earth would I mutilate a rock? Maybe Superman or the Incredible Hulk can help me out here.

2. It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3. Wait a minute. Does that mean that they don't sell six packs in any grocery stores in Colorado? Do the beer companies know this? And, if I get the munchies while buying my liquor, I can't even get a Slim Jim? Man, anyone who wants to have a party must have to run all over the county to get what they need. Hey buddy, do you wanna come and watch the football game and slam down a three-pack?

3. No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. Now that just isn't humane not to be able to buy liquor on an ELECTION DAY. Isn't that when most Americans need it most?

4. It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence. Do the cowboys in Colorado know this? Hey, I have been to a rodeo or two in my day, and you gotta drink before you get bounced around on those horses!

4. Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses. Whew! I am SO glad at least ONE state made this legal. So now: I gotta buy all my pillows in Colorado and rip the tags off there and then take them home to be legal.

5. In Alamosa: Throwing missles at cars is illegal. Don't you think this should be a FEDERAL law? Who is with me on this one?

6. Also in Alamosa: Keeping a house where unmarried persons are allowed to have sex is prohibited. Do the landlords in Colorado know this? Because I am pretttttty sure that this law is being broken all OVER Colorado.

7. Also in Alamosa: Persons may not urinate in public. Thank goodness! I appreciate the fact that I don't have to watch people pee in public if I drive through there. They must have had rampant pee-ers in town to necessitate passing a law against it, though. (The singles not allowed to have sex in a house were pissed off).

8. In Arvada: Establishments which sell alcohol must have enough lighting to read text inside them. As it should be. I mean, you have to be able to see the worm in the Tequilla bottle. But who checks this? The bartenders? "Excuse me, Sir. I cannot serve you another shot until you hold it up to the newspaper and read me the small print."????

9. In Boulder: It is legal to challenge a police officer, but only until he or she asks you to stop. So let me get this straight. I can flip off a cop or yell out "Ha ha, I am NOT speeding!" while I pass them doing 80 mph and they can't do anything about it unless (s)he has stopped me and then I do it? (I am not THAT stupid!)

10, Also in Boulder: It is illegal to permit ones llama to graze on city property. How else are they supposed to keep their grass short? Geez, llamas are gentle, and they are cute. Why not???

11. Also in Boulder: Boulders may not be rolled on city property. Well, it is BOULDER. Maybe they are sensitive on what you do with boulders in Boulder. Although, it doesn't say anything about mutilating a boulder in BOULDER.

12. Also in Boulder: Couches may not be placed on outside porches. Sounds like Jeff Foxworthy has been to town. You know you are redneck when you have a couch on your porch! Hell yeah!

13. In Colorado Springs: It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. Okay, now this is really ruining Election Day for me. No liquor and no holstered six guns!? And not on Christmas either??? They are ruining all my fun. Do the cowboys know this too?

14. In Cripple Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. Dang, I can't bring my horse in the elevator? Doesn't it make you wonder WHY they had to make this law in the first place?

15. In Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park. So the dogs in Denver can READ????

16. Also in Denver: It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. So this must be the home of Hoover and Electrolux vacuum cleaner companies? No lending out your vacuums to your neighbors there....let the cheap bastards buy their OWN vacuums, dangumit!

17. Also In Denver: You may not drive a black car on Sundays. So there are no dead bodies being picked up in black hearses on Sundays, then? Just let them rot in place and we will pick them up on Monday, M'am. We can't bring out the hearse on Sundays. Oh, and if the President comes on Sunday, please ask them to drive the pink limos...

18. It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado. How do they DEFINE "mistreat"? No D-con in Denver? What do they do, call in the Pied Piper?

19. In Durango: It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes “unbecoming” on one’s sex. Again, who DEFINES "unbecoming"? Do they call in Stacey and Clinton from "What Not to Wear"? And how do they handle and figure out what is unbecoming for the transvestites there?

20. In Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep. At last, someone to protect us from those sneaky lip smacking men in Logan County. I sure hope that Sleeping Beauty didn't live there...because she'd still be waiting for Prince Charming to get her out of that nasty spell.

21. In Louisville: Residents may not own chickens, but may own up to three turkeys. That is so discriminating to the chickens. They deserve good homes. Oh well, the KFC's will just have to cook turkey instead.

22. In Pueblo: It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits. I can see it now...people peering out from behind their curtains watching to see if the neighbors are illegally popping dandelions in their lawns. Home owners running out in the middle of the night with a pair of scissors clipping the first dandelion coming up, in fear of going to prison.

23. In Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight. SAY WHAT???? Let me re-read this little jewel! Cat's need to be fitted with a TAILLIGHT?? Does it need turn signals? Let's see...fluffy must be heading to the laundry room, honey....I saw her right taillight blinking. Wonder if she will make those little beeping sounds when she backs her ass up to the litter box??? "No honey, she is not purring, that is her blinker". Bwaaahaaaaa......

24. In Vail: It is illegal to crash into obstacles on a ski slope. Well, aren't they snobs in Vail? I don't think I will ski there. Come to think of it, I don't know HOW to ski! Believe me, if I skiied in Vail, I'd pretty much crash into everything and everything would be an obstacle.

25. Also in Vail: No one may keep junk close to someone else. Hear this, all men out there. Don't be putting your 'junk' close to anyone else...you hear that? I hate having a man's junk too close without him asking me if its okay. Don't you? Would his junk be considered an obstacle in Vail?