Random Thoughts about Random Subjects. Today?: Should I have Reconsidered Buying that Used Car with the Mystery Stain?

Time for yet another "Random thoughts about Random Subjects". Today's is: " Should I have Reconsidered buying that used car with the mystery stain?"

1. We are cheap frugal. 

2.  I like to call it "going green".

3. On everything.

4. Most of our house has used things in it.

5. Except my underwear.  That would just plain be gross.

6. Where was I?

7. Oh yeah.  Being green. (Get your mind off the underwear, gheesh!)

8. So, we have never bought a new car. Never.  Not in our 38 + years of blistered blissful marriage.

9. So when our last clunker died and went to rusty-car heaven, we went looking for our next victim.

10. Oh, wait. That's not correct. Our last car was driven down to Florida in a frenzy because our youngest daughter's car died an ugly death and she needed something fast to be able to like, feed herself by going to work every day. So, being the awesome parents we are, we drove down and gave it to  her.

11. I know, like you care.

12. Anyway, a friend of mine at work advertised on Facebook that he had a used car for sale.

13. I know what you are thinking: never, ever buy a used car from a friend. Nope. I was cool with that. So we inquired and got interested. The car was used at the local hospital as a car to transport the Physical Therapists to see patients. It didn't have a lot of mileage on it, but they wanted to upgrade to bigger cars to be safer on our snowcovered roads and that was why they were selling it. We have a four wheel drive for winter, so this was a nice solution for us to get a smaller car for better gas mileage. OH, WTF am I telling you all of that anyway? You don't give a rat's ass. Moving on.

14. Basic little car, good gas mileage...good price. Sounded good to us.

15. We had the guy drive it over to our house for last inspection, to test drive it, you know, the usual kicking the tires kind of thing.

16. He arrived at dusk.

17. We were not to be outsmarted, being the brilliant minds that we are.  We had a flashlight and a spotlight above our garage.

18. To our surprise, the car looked pretty darn good.  No major dents, scratches, etc. It purred like a kitten (and not even a sick kitten).

19. So I ask if I can take it for a spin, and of course he agrees so my hubby and I get ready to slip in and take it for THE. TEST. DRIVE.

20. As I open the driver's door, I notice the outline of something on the seat. Kind of a medium-sized irregular shadowy little thing (like the chalk outline of a dead body on CSI).

21. The Seller notices that I notice. 

22. Without making eye contact (note this fact for later discussion), he murmurs: "Yeah, ahem...I spilled some coffee there."  "I tried to wipe it up...but you know guys, I probably didn't use the right stuff".

23. Note to self: no eye contact is NOT a good thing.

24. I reach down and feel the chalked outline area with my hand. It is dry. Alrighty then, let's test drive, shall we? 

25. The car was great. Handled just fine, price was right and we came back and bought it.

26. It has been the best car ever.  Drove it to Florida and back and all over hell's creation and it is fantastic. Better than the "ha-ha-we-are-rich-and-we-ran-out-and-immediately-bought-a-trendy-zillion-dollar-hybrid-car-with-better-gas-mileage-than-you-you-peon" kind of car.

27. It gets great gas mileage and no car payments. 

28. But I didn't realize THE SHAME of the STAIN curse.

29. And. I have tried a zillion and a half products on the mystery stain. It won't come out.

30. Now, when I transport anyone (besides family, because hey, what is a mystery stain between blood relatives, anyway?) I quickly either put a seat cushion over it to hide it, or quickly sit my ass on it so no one notices it and get out of the car last. Thank GOD it does not smell.

31. I have several theories about THE STAIN. Some, funny. 

32. Some, not so funny.

33. Some, just too horrid to think about.

34. It could very well be pee. 

35. I mean, it could happen.

36. Some person, driving it...some idiot cutting him off on the freeway and HOLY SHIT I AM GONNA DIE, OH GOD,  I JUST PISSED MY PANTS kinda happening. 

37. Or, some person, driving it and a deer runs in front of the headlights, like two inches in front of him/her, and HOLY SHIT I AM GONNA DIE. OH GOD, I JUST PISSED MY PANTS kinda thing.

38. Or, some blue-haired granny, (you've seen 'em), barely seeing over the steering wheel, swerving down the street because she can't handle the steering wheel and like, actually think at the same time....who sneezed and well, you know.. (well those of you that are old and have had a zillion babies know) what might have happened....and since she clearly cannot remember how to use a turn signal, how the hell would she have remembered to wear her Depends?

39. Anyhoo....I try not to think of it everytime I drive the car. And I sure as hell am not going to do a "scratch and sniff" thing to figure out just what in the hell the stain is, REALLY. I prefer to believe the guy and think it is a Starbucks stain.

40. And, most of the time, I make my hubby drive so I can sit on the "clean side". I know. I am AWESOME.


41. But I know how I am going to make money, people. For reals.

42. They have cancer-sniffing dogs, and marijuana-sniffing dogs, right?



43. Well, I am going to market Starbucks-sniffing trained dogs. And then, I'm gonna keep one of the dogs for my personal use.

44. Not only will the trained dog be able to confirm any car mystery stains to indeed, be Starbucks stains...but since all dogs naturally hang their heads out of the window and sniff...I can train the little bugger to sniff out the nearest Starbucks on the freeway and give me a signal whenever it smells one.

45. I'm gonna be RICH, I tell ya!


46. I just hope the dog is not old, hasn't had a zillion puppies and that she isn't prone to sneezing when she gets excited. Otherwise, we are in for a whole new set of "problems".

Random Thoughts about Random Subjects (Again!)

Yes indeedy.

It is time again for another installment of Random Thoughts about Random Subjects.

(I figured I'd better give you a break today from all that autumn beauty

and go straight for randomness.)

Today's subject of random thoughts?

WWJD.

You know the acronymn.....What would Jesus Do? (WWJD)

It is overused.

It is on too many bumper stickers.

So it got me to thinking random thoughts about something else:

1. Instead of WWJD....I had a random thought or two about WWAT.  What does this stand for (you ask?)

Well, What Would Aliens Think (WWAT) of course.



2. Before you snicker, just consider the following:

3. WWAT of earth where we pay/spend millions of dollars to pay over-steroided men wearing padded suits chasing a pigskin across a field yet still have homeless, hungry people in it because we say we don't have enough money to solve the problem?

4. WWAT of Paris Hilton and Linsey Lohan and the world watching their every move, along with useless trivial action details of their latest escapades?

5. WWAT of Tiny Tim?

6.  WWAT of Octomom?

7. WWAT of those kids that wear their pants hanging down with their cracks and their underwear showing and of them tripping up on the hanging-pants crotches?

8. WWAT of all of these awful political ads where none of the politicians tell the truth about their opponents or themselves?

9. WWAT of Ozzie Osborn?

10. WWAT of the Kardashians?

11. WWAT of Woodstock?

12. WWAT of Rubick's Cubes?

13. WWAT of hula hoops?

14. WWAT of Dancing with the Stars?

15. WWAT of the Twilight series?

16. WWAT of people always being on their phones texting or e-mailing on their computers and not talking directly to each other instead?

17. WWAT of the Sci-fi channel?

18. WWAT of the Star Trek series?

19. WWAT of plastic surgery?

20. WWAT of the movie E.T.?

21. WWAT of Area 51?

22. WWAT of Victoria Secret bras?

23. WWAT of Crispy Creme donuts?

24. WWAT of Marilyn Monroe?

25. WWAT of cemeteries and funerals?

26. WWAT of blogging? 

27. WWAT of the selling of Pet Rocks and that earthlings actually bought them? A LOT of them?

28. WWAT of the millions and millions of pounds of leftover food thrown out in the garbage by restaurants when there are so many people starving to death on earth?

29. WWAT of tattoos?

30. WWAT of rodeos?

31. WWAT of eating frogs' legs?

32. WWAT of surfing?

33. WWAT of snowsculptures and sandcastles?

34. WWAT of Jenny Craig, grapefruit diets and Nutrisystem?

35. WWAT of infomercials?

36. WWAT of Tang?

37. WWAT of Justin Beiber?

38. WWAT of the news spending 4 solid days on the death of Michael Jackson and only showing a bleep about how many soldiers that died in a war in their news stories during those same days?

39. WWAT of Splenda and Nutrasweet?

40. WWAT of warm homemade cinnamon rolls, straight out of the oven?

41. WWAT of crossdressers?

42. WWAT of childproof caps on medicines?

43. WWAT of bikinis?

44. WWAT of women (and some men) wearing makeup?

45. WWAT of penis and nipple piercings?

46. WWAT of the millions of people that leave the comfort of their wonderful homes and beds and of them driving miles and miles into the woods, only to set up a tiny canvas tent, swatting bugs and sleeping on the cold, hard ground.....and making a campfire and cooking food outside: on purpose.

47. WWAT of earthlings who leave the convenience and comfort of air-conditioned or heated, padded cars only to mount  uncomfortable bicycle seats or don tennis shoes to run and sweat and get blisters and get breathless from the effort, and then receive unbearably painful muscles the next day?: again, on PURPOSE.

48. WWAT of giggling, toothless baby earthlings?

49. WWAT of people who let their dogs and cats eat out of crystal dishes on the table, buy them outfits to wear and diamond collars,  yet won't look sideways at the beggars on their own streets?

50. WWAT of bubble baths?

51. Last random thought today? : Am I the only one who thinks Earth is still the most wonderful/bizarre planet in the universe because of/in spite of all of the above?

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Random Thoughts about Random Subjects: Today? Chinese Calligraphy

I have some wonderful fellow Blogger friends who occasionally write blogposts of "random thoughts" (like Kearsie from "Sounds Like Tomatoes", Lynn from "For Love or Funny" ,Brittany from "Barefoot Foodie" , Aria from "Aria'z Ink" , Kim from "A Parent's Life to Behold, full of Insanity and Bliss" and Crystal from "Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper" and they excel in their efforts.

I am often found chortling, guffawing and snorting upon reading them and thinking how crazy funny they are, and always amused on how humorous they think.

Having said this, I also, upon reading their blogposts, think to myself that I should give this free thought-flowing writing a go on my blog.  But then I stop.  Because, do I really want everybody out there to know how CRAZY I am?

To know how I really might think, mind jumping from one crazy thought to another, along with anecdotals and perhaps numbered lists of thoughts? 

Well, as of today, HELL, YEAH!

So, be prepared...because from now on you might see some blogposts entitled: "Random Thoughts about Random Subjects".

And, so that brings us to today's Random Thoughts, which won't be totally random this time in character, but rather a true story this time:

1. When I turned 50, I was on a trip away from home for two weeks straight for work training.

2. It sucked.

3. And of course, when one is turning fifty, you start bemoaning aging and getting old and all those self-defeating thoughts. Like, how long will I live, really? And will I be happy the whole dang time or will I wish I got hit by a Mac truck?  How long do I WANT to live? 80?  100?  I decided to choose 102.  It's a nice round number. And, usually, when I set out to do something, I make it happen. So.
There. It's settled. 102 it is.

 4. So, in a moment of insanity, I came up with a brilliant plan. (Because I am awesome like that in an aging crisis).

5. My plan? Go get my first tattoo to mark this momentous occasion. (Don't judge! I hear you out there clicking your tongue in disapproval). (I also hear those of you out there cheering, saying: Good for you, old girl!....heavy on the OLD).

6. Now, you had to be there.  This was in conservative Ames, Iowa...where men are men and the sheep are nervous.  I was hanging out with the medical work crew that were training me: who wouldn't swear if they had a mouthful of sh*t.  Their idea of a good time was to go for a ride to show me where all the local churches were, if you get my drift.

7. So I set out on my own, to find a TATTOO shop in Iowa. Yeah. I know.  I may have been fifty, but that does not equate being brilliant about local cultures.

8. Laugh if you will, but believe it or not, they had one! I pictured going in and maybe they'd have some samples of the type of tattoos one would want to get.  And, being in Iowa, I figured maybe things like crosses, bible verses and an occasional rose would be there to choose from.....

9. None of which I wanted tattooed to symbolize my reaching half a freaking century.

10. Before going in, I parked my car and watched who was going in and out of the shop.

11. Besides calculating how long it had been since my last tetanus shot.

12. A few people came in and out...some "hard core" and some fairly normal folks were seen.

13. I remembered that I should have had some wine first.

14. I walked in the shop.  Two long haired guys about 25 glanced over and then at each other.

15. One of them raised their right eyebrow. (I saw you do it, Dude!)

16. I nervously asked if I could see one of their (100 pound) photo albums of past tattoos given, to which they half-chuckled "sure".

17. I looked at them all, whilst glancing around their shop to assure they had a sterilizer and that it looked clean and searched for a license on the wall from the state of Iowa (check, check and check).

18. I decided what I wanted. Out of the blue.  No pictures of it existed in their book.

19. I have no idea what possessed me to decide on what I wanted. It just "came" to me. (So NOW the universe decided to give me some Divine Intervention! You know, I could have used it soooo  many other times during my long fifty years on the planet. But NO. This is the time it came.  Who was I to argue with the timing of Divine Intervention?)

20. During the search through the tattoo books,  I saw a TON of Chinese Calligraphy to choose from....which was very tempting...The calligraphy was fluid and pretty with flowing caps and lines to lure one into symbolizing one's philosophy of life.  I mean, how else to signify one making it to half a century than to slap a "forever" philosophy on one's arm, boob or thigh?

21. There were symbols of everything! "Joy", "Hope", "Charity towards Mankind", "Love", etc.  Even "Longevity" which would have been perfect upon this insane occasion of mine.

22. But, then I got to thinking.

23. How would this pastey-white, fifty yr. old U.P. woman ever know if the symbols REALLY stand for what they said they stood for?

24. I mean....I might pick the "longevity" symbol and proudly wear it on my body somewhere.....and a whole culture might be laughing their asses off....because what it really says is: "This pastey white, fifty year old U.P. woman thinks this stands for Longevity..what a dumb ass".

25. Or, it might really say: "All white people are stupid".

26. Or, it might say: "Who has the last word on Communism NOW?"

27. Or, it might say: "This stupid person actually bought the idea that this symbol means something! Gheesh what a flaming idiot...try to sell her something, she'll buy it. I guarantee it".

28. Really, people.  Who really knows what ANY of those symbols really mean?? Who is going to tell us the TRUTH? 

29. (Picture Jack Nicholson:) "you want the TRUTH? you want the TRUTH? You can't HANDLE the truth!"

30. Hey, I didn't make it to fifty by being that dumb.  So, I bypassed the Chinese Calligraphy symbols.

31. Although I did consider looking for one out there somewhere that symbolized: "Not gullible".

32. So, please take heed of my fifty-plus wisdom and bypass the Chinese Calligraphy symbols when you get your tattoo....you never know what it really means.

33. P.S. I really did get a tattoo there.

34. I didn't get any hepatitis or diseases or so much as a skin rash. They used sterile conditions and did not make fun of me when I got it.

35. At least to my face.

36. I put a small wreath of flowers shaped like a heart on my inner right ankle.

37. Can we say (all together now:) "ouch!" because needles boring on your ankle bone hurts, people!

38. My husband loved it.

39. I haven't regretted it yet. It is tastefully done and beautiful. 

40. I made an executive decision that to celebrate living so long, I will continue to get ONE small tattoo every decade beyond 50 that I am blessed with on this earth.

41. Which means 60 is coming yet....and I will have to go through the mental torture of deciding what to get next time. Not to mention the physical torture of a thousand tiny needle pricks again.

42. Which means when I turn 100, I will have a total of 5 of them somewhere on my wrinkling, sagging body. At least I will be entertaining to the younger folks at the morgue when they haul in my wrinkling, sagging, dead ass.

43. Which also means (because I watch CSI, people!) that if my body should ever become dismembered, relatives will be able to identify me by whatever body part they find. (No need to thank me, relatives...I am just thoughtful like that!)

44. Which means when I turn 100, I might just get that Chinese Calligraphy tattoo that stands for "longevity."

45. That is, if I can find some sweet Chinese person who I trust with my life to tell me the truth and guarantee to me that it really says: "Longevity"....
                                                                           
46. And who will also tell me what the other ones REALLY say............(because at 100, I am going to need some humor!)  Just talk realllly loud, Okay?

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